Whispered My Fears
by LisaMR
Summary: [BUFFYxDEAN] If I was sincere, whispered my fears would you still be here? – Michelle Featherstone


Whispered My Fears

**Author:** Lisa

**Status:** Completed Stand-Alone

**Rating:** PG-13 (language)

**Fandom:** Supernatural/BtVS Crossover

**Pairing:** Buffy/Dean, Sam and John Winchester

**Genre:** Angst/Drama

**Summary: **_If I was sincere, whispered my fears would you still be here?_ – Michelle Featherstone

**Spoilers:** Episode Chosen from BtVS and Episode Dean Man's Blood from SPN

**Disclaimer:** _Supernatural_ and all related characters are copyright The CW Network. No infringement intended. _Buffy the Vampire Slayer_ and all related characters are copyright Joss Whedon and ME. No infringement intended.

**Distribution:** Not without permission from myself.

**AN:** This was written for Chosenfire's Drabble Request (impersonate, sadistic and whimsy) for the La Mala Hora Marathon at Route 66: Destination Sunnydale

It's been two whole months since we made Sunnydale a historic site of nature's destruction. Scientists set up tents all around the perimeter trying to denote the cause that forced a whole city to just cave in. We heard word that a lot of theories were tossed on the table, the strangest being a hybrid breed of monster moles that had dug elaborate tunnels under the city. A whimsy idea that makes the real situation seem less plausible to some. Not to me. I remember everything as if I'm back in that cave with thousands of uber-vamps scaling the walls to massacre us. The smell of sulfur strong with the copper taste of blood laced in. It reminded me of hell. It's what hell smells like, what my coffin smelt like when I woke up after being rewarded such blissful peace. I wanted to turn and run in the opposite direction not because of the fight that I knew many wouldn't make it through but because of that damn smell. To this day I refuse to light a match.

A week after we settled in Los Angeles I told Giles and the inner group that I was going on a road trip. I'm not sure what caused me to do it. Maybe it was because for the first time in too many years I wasn't tied down to one city. I wasn't alone anymore in the fight. I could go wherever the wind blew me and that appealed to be me, greatly. The Council bought me my own vehicle and I headed out. Only took me two weeks on the road to stumble across John and his boys. He had pissed off a group of vampires by choice; he's gutsy like that one of the reasons I love him. Vampires surrounded him and I go in to save his helpless ass when his boys show up and start shooting them with dead man's blood.

I've been traveling with them ever since. Sometimes I head out with John when he needs it, which isn't often the man is a skilled hunter. Most of the time I'm on the road with Dean and Sam.

Though tonight I'm all-alone for the moment at least, which is kinda nice. The boys went off to the local bar in whichever single-road town we are in for some beers and pool. I opted out. It's the two month anniversary of loosing and gaining everything all in one shot.

It still bugs me that The First tried to impersonate me and according to Faith it did a hell of a job of it. It wigs me out, what if it's off somewhere toying with the minds of those I love. It's the reason I keep in contact with Dawn as much as I can; it's hard with no stable address but we manage. I'll send them a postcard every few weeks; I make Sam write it out for me letting him know what to leave out, Dawnie doesn't need to worry more than she already does. I think he's a bit smitten with her he gets a funny grin when I ask him to write to her. It's gotten so bad that I've teased Sam about dating Dawnie, even given him the older sister speech about not breaking her heart.

I tried to go to bed early tonight but the images of that sadistic bitch smirking at me as I lay on the ground holding my open wound drove me out here into the cold. Dean will be pissed that I ventured off on my own; he forgets that I'm still the Slayer and that even death doesn't bind my existence. Okay so he doesn't know about the death part, that's not the point.

The air is sickly cold making my skin feel clammy much like my mood. I want to hurt something to hunt and slay it. I touch the spot where the one uber-vamp got the good fortune of marking his victory on the oldest living slayer. The First's words still echo in my mind mocking me in my own voice and the desire to hunt not patrol becomes stronger than before.

I know the Winchester's are all looking for the demon that stole so much from them, but for me I'm looking for The First. I want to finish what it started. John's the only one that knows, he recognized the wild look in my eyes or at least that's what he told me after her confronted me about it. I told him not to tell Dean, that he's got enough on his plate without worrying about my latest warpath. He nodded and we've never talked about it since.

I think I could love Dean one day when all the ghosts that whisper in my ear when no one is watching silence. When Dean's own demons don't cause such erratic behavior from him, when we both can breathe a little more freely without fear of suffocation.

A hunting trip I went on with John a few weeks back forced me to share that all with the oldest Winchester. John wanted to know what I was doing with Dean, always a father even if he's miles away for months somehow he still knows. He didn't want the two of us to screw up whatever oddball relationship we had going, said we had a long road ahead of us and with our combined stubbornness he needed to ask.

I hear the faint sound of a twig snapping and smile, Dean. I stay quiet and frozen on my perch that overlooks the Mississippi River in all of her splendor while I wait for him to find me. He always finds me.


End file.
